I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
