"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
