Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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