I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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