I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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