I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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