You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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