you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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