I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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