she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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