Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
