im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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