I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
