dude i'm inner monologue high
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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