Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
