so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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