Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
