last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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