Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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