dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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