Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
