even my farts smell like vagina
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
