my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
