I met the friendliest cop last night
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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