Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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