Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
