just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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