I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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