I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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