If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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