There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
