Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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