I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
