I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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