Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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