you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
