big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
