I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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