I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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