He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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