he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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