Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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