What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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