So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I bet he comes in French.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
