I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
