I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
