the condom got lost in my hair
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
