so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
