Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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