Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
