im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
They are going to name an STD after you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
